Thankfulness towards my Master!

Wrote this today afternoon, after a stream of thoughts n Thankfulness towards my Master!

I keep BREAKING and YOU keep KEEPING! 
Great is THY Faithfulness O LORD unto me!

I keep Cribbing and YOU keep Sparing!
Great is THY Faithfulness O LORD unto me!

I keep learning and YOU keep teaching!
Great is THY Faithfulness O LORD unto me!

I've been changing and YOU've been Unchanging!
Great is THY Faithfulness O LORD unto me!

Here I am turning and restarting...
Thank YOU for teaching and understanding

I will keep singing and Praising, Hoping YOU must be Smiling..
I will keep on waiting, For YOU've been so Loving..

Oh the Pain!

Oh the pain!

The pain in the kith

The pain in the kin

The pain in the mind

The pain in the heart

The pain in the world

What's this pain you are talking about?

Its all temporal is what I know about!

I am HIS...

Just got poetic this morning...!:)

I need a little hush!
I need a litle push!
or else how will I know I'm HIS!

I need a little discipline!
I need a little Medicine!
or else how will I know I'm HIS!

I need a little test!
Just to be my best!
or else how will I know I'm HIS!

I need a little pain!
Or else therez no gain!
All this just to know I am HIS!

Bring the rain!

Was talking to one of my colleague and an old friend today, and both of them exclaimed.., Your times are not running good, One after the other, I've seen you suffer...etc etc..

And few others said, why does your family has to suffer all the illness and pain all the while, taking chances one after the other..!

I laughed away at their questions and said...its testing time! but after the end of the conversation I was thinking and smiling away for I know how I have changed as a person from time to time and I give all glory to our Lord for mending me...molding me..testing me..disciplining me...making me stronger...and happy that these times makes me come more closer to God, though with tears and fears but with trust that He hears to my plea and has promised not to leave nor forsake me and my family! ..Indeed His ways are amazing... All we need to do is keep up the trust and face the challenges of life ! Bring it on I say if its making me a better person!

Love the song very much, every word means so much to me..

"Bring The Rain" -By Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty 

My Prayer:

Thank You Lord for every situation and strength from You!  Want to be what you want me to be so mould me and make me as per Thy will. Amen.

From "Is it?" to "It is!"

There are situations in life where our first expression is, "Is It?"and then the phase of going though emotions to reach the state of mind and convince ourselves that Yes..."It Is!"

Situations were we express "Is It?", a pleasant surprise, or a truth which we never knew existed! and for me, it majorly rings in my mind continuously while accepting the change which is unexpected and sudden! its more like a continuous state of surprise..!

Its then my transition journey begins from "Is it?" to "It is!"..

Silently in my heart asking Lord, "Lord, Is it ??!" .....

Woe to him that strives with his Maker! Let the potsherd strive with the potsherds of the earth. Shall the clay say to him that fashions it, What make you? or your work, He has no hands? 

Isaiah 45:9

Just choosing to always trust that its destined and purposed!, though I am not liking it!   and its hurting too...this is when I need to stand! and its tough...

Sometimes...when our expectations doesn't match with our situations, all we need to tell ourselves is..."It is What it is! that's it!" and move on to accept the fact!

Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. Ecclesiastes 7:8

This is what it is from 'Out of the Grey'...

You say, you want to believe me

But it's too good to be true for you

Well, I say faith doesn't come easy

Sometimes, it takes a broken heart

To see the beauty of the simple truth

This is what it is

A love that doesn't leave

This is what it is

Forgiveness that forgets

This is what it is

A Savior full of grace

Who gave His life that you might live

So live your life, fill the time

While you hope for something more

Yet every morning begs the question

That every heart has heard

It's something deeper still

You can't put into words

You've got a purpose in this place

This is what it is

But it gets better than this

You've got a reason to live

Struggle Struggle why Giggle?

Struggle Struggle why Giggle?
Nothing to wail but so it was
All the while so it was
 

Struggle Struggle how long will you Giggle?
More the Struggle More the Pain
Hence the Struggle all in vain!

Heres My little Giggle to all my Struggle Struggle
End is near, you better know !
Christ will come and take me you know!

Just got little poetic overnight :) :) :)

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!

Tuesday,1st Feb 2011

Mom had become ill, she did not sleep the whole night, was getting dizzy and all stiffened cold with sweat.. and was admitted in the hospital the very next day  after naami's funeral. She had to undergo all tests to check for the problem..The Thyroid reports, the ECG reports where abnormal. All my loved ones were in pain, loss of Naami and sickness in family.....:(

Though I was praying I must confess that I did not have the faith that I ought to have.That little mustard seed faith.

Saturday, 5th Feb 2011

By God's grace Mom recovered and was discharged from Hospital and is under medication. 

While I was still in Hyderabad, Diana calls up and says that she is having fever and the swollen lymph nodes in her neck, even after 2 weeks of treatment has no improvement nor did the pain decrease but only fever was added. She said that doctors wanted her to go for an FNAC/Biopsy test, which is very painful experience of injecting a needle into her neck and collecting the sample from the infected/swollen glands.

Now, my struggle began again..I came back to Bangalore on Monday morning no change in my thoughts but just burdened and low. Though I talk so much about God's blessings in my life I had this little seed of doubt and questions ringing in my mind.."what if?!"

@2:30PM, Tuesday, 8th Feb 2011

All by God's abundant Grace, Diana could get through the tests and we were awaiting results on Wednesday evening. 

@4:30PM, Wednesday,9th Feb 2011

I called Sumeet and asked him if the Doctor had received the reports, he said Yes, its not TB. I asked.."what is it then?" He replied.."How will I know? Doctor told us to come and meet today evening".

Then I get a sms from Diana saying " The complete reports will be coming tomorrow, but we got to go and meet the doctor today". 

That's it, I went into my own imaginations and fears and was feeling so very restless and was continuously praying and asking God, what is this Lord? I have been praying and I know you won't test us beyond our endurance, but..but but..I do not want to see my loved ones have health problems..enough Lord! Please stop it here!Please....!

I got into the cab at 5:30PM and then...My mind,started taking over me totally..I was thinking all crap and unhealthy as much as I could, I gave the foothold to the devil..and it started putting thoughts and I watered it for a while and was on and on crying! 
Then I told to myself..."You are not a doctor and you don't conclude on your own. Let the  reports come." Then I started fighting back with my thoughts while in the cab...the thoughts were shooting and I was only shouting back...No No No...then I thought only way to stop these thoughts is to rebuke them in Jesus name and I just started repeating HIS name..JESUS..JESUS..JESUS..JESUS...Yes I was crying all the while..stopping my thoughts...anticipating good but doubting everything! 

James 4:7-8 

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  

Come near to God and he will come near to you.  

By the time I reached Hospital, I was feeling little okay but was unable to totally relax myself. By then, Diana and Sumeet were done consulting the ENT doctor, and he had suggested some more tests and told to consult Physician yet again. But the reports were only given before 6PM in the evening and we have to wait yet another day for the reports to show them to a Physician.

I thought it was yet another  long night and whole day to wait for the reports and get to the root of the problem.

@7am,Thursday,10th Feb 2011
God's timing it is! I switch on GOD TV in the morning and I hear a sermon on unbelief by Andrew Wommack.

Mark 9:23-24

“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” 
Pas Andrew Wommack defined unbelief is caused due to
1) Innocence, lack of knowledge.

2) False preaching.
3) Due to impact of our 5 senses.
Immediately I realized that I have a serious problem with unbelief and I fall in the 3rd category. Now all I need to do is to train my senses.  I reached office but was still thinking on dealing with my unbelief.
A simple Scenario, " Suppose you ask your dad to get something from market..you know its going to come..you never think if he forgets or doesn't get or other things. Whatever it is you don't think about it after you ask him of it. "
That is the clarity in belief! I realized more about my unbelief..How much unbelief I had..I need to put it in action to help overcome my unbelief. How easily I rely on daddy, my earthly father and why can't I be the same with the almighty father...my creator!!! why? I want to change in this..my lesson begins...and I need to implement it...

@5PM,Thursday,10th Feb 2011
Diana consulted the Physician in the evening and found that it was an infectious gland and she has already recovering from the infection and just needs to take tablets for low HB for 3 days. Thank God for His healing!

I am the God that healeth thee,
I am the Lord, your Healer.
I sent My Word and healed your disease.
I am the Lord, your Healer.

You are the God that healeth me,
You are the Lord, my Healer.
You sent Your Word and healed my disease.
You are the God, my Healer.

It is then when I came to my senseless senses that all I was. all I was worrying was all in vain!
Its very sad for what I did with my unbelief ...When it was all about HIM !!..whom I couldn't trust! I earnestly repent for what I did and Thank God for HIS Faithfulness...He is so Gracious...He is just Awesome...sorrrry Lord...I'm sorry...

I just want to sing this song.....

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

Bridge:
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

Chorus:
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath 



My prayer...
I take this lesson along with me till I breathe my last, to Honor My GOD my creator by Trusting HIM..without my senses causing an hindrance to my faith! In Jesus name I ask. Amen.

R.I.P Naaamii....

Sunday, Jan 30th 2011

ShanthaauntyNaami...as we call her...my grandmother(My Dad's moms sister and My mom's dad's sister)  was admitted in hospital and the glucometer couldn't show the sugar reading as it was high and due to breathing problem she was put on ventilators...

Monday morning at 6AM I get a call saying she has gone to stay with the Lord at 1:30am on 31st Jan...

Hurriedly I booked my tickets for monday evening...I was going to Hyd to see her for the last time while on this earth...but my mind was blank..was recollecting all the memories I had with her...

The first thing I recalled was..how she used to hold my hand and take me to school and once when  I was in first class I had forgot my bag in bus stop and realized it only when the next stop had come..she had gone all the way back and bought my bag, I do not remember her scolding me or shouting at me. 

When I was in class 2A, she used to sit right beside my classroom as she was a class teacher for 2B section and always used to check if i was studying well and understanding the lessons. She and Satyaunty naami always made it a point that we three sisters take part in the Christmas play, Literary Union sessions, debates, poem recitals..etc..

Infact, Shanthaaunty naami was so very keen about it that even when I used to go for rehearsals, she used to come and check. Even when I was performing while in middle school, though she taught for primary then, she used to come stand back stage and see me perform on stage and then feel happy :)  I still have a pic on stage where she is back stage seeing me...will post it once I scan it..I loved the attention I used to get from my grandmas. They are the reason for me not to have stage fear now...

Lunch hours were the most memorable and caring times, though I haven't realized it then but now  I know....

we used to have our carpet, plates, glasses all set and ready...all we had to do was when the lunch bell rings, take our boxes, removes our shoes, wash our hands and sit on the carpet, eat in our plates and show them when finished and then only allowed to close our lunch boxes. 

I remember we doing mischeif, throwing rice around the plate, hiding left out rice in our hands and showing them as if we finished. Oho! I so much miss that love and care!

I also remember those evenings, I used to sit on the stairs in naami's house waiting for dad to come and pick me. Until then naami used to tell me to finish my homework!  

Then later years when we took on profession and work, whenever I used to talk to her on phone, she used to ask in amazement, "nuvey ondukuntunava? "  and I used to reply "eydho ondukuntuna naami nee papu antha manchiga kakuna...!"
 I can never forget the taste and aroma of the daal naami used to prepare! its simple yummy! never did I taste such tasty daal and I'm sure I would never again..that fragrance and taste is still fresh for me..

 She was always eager to see me and always used to greet with kiss and hug....Oh she was sucha blessing to me! Thank You naami...Thank You so much! I wish I had said one little Thank You when you were with us...Ouch! I really really wish for another hug and a kiss and tell you a BIG thanks for everything!

Any function you attend, you see this beautiful and lovely young at heart couple together...what I call  the "annyonyna dampathulu"..Shanthaaunty naami and Jaiseelan Thata...Love the way they were together..Pray that God gives comfort and strength to Thata to carry on...

And a must mention, her life was a testimony, and so was her death...Yes! Though she left us all and went on God's call, its a Powerful testimony she left behind...

This is what she had written in her BIBLE...Yes! God was gracious towards her and granted her life, life more than what she had asked for! Praise God for her Life!

Thank You Lord for the Hope we have to see all our loved ones and thanks for relief we have that they are in a more safer place than we are!

I would love to proudly state that all my naamis(grandma's-Shantha aunty and Satya aunty and Suguna aunty naami) are indeed a blessing for us 3 sisters, each in their own style...! 

Have a nice time up there with my naami, Rathnamma(Dad's mom).....Celebrate your sisters re-union until we meet again!

R.I.P all you sisters!
Indeed our grandparents are a lot more than just a Blessing to us! Thank God for them!

నీ చేతితో........

ప||   నీ చేతితో నన్ను పట్టుకో-నీ ఆత్మతో నన్ను నడుపు

      శిల్పి చేతిలో శిలను నేను - అనుక్షణము నన్ను చెక్కుము

 1.అంధకార లోయలోన-సంచరించిన భయము లేదు

  నీ వాక్యము శక్తిగలది -నాత్రోవకు నిత్యవెలుగు

2.ఘోర పాపిని నేను తండ్రి - పాప యూబిలో పడియుంటిని

  లేవనెత్తుము శుద్దిచేయుము -పొందనిమ్ము నీదు ప్రేమను

 3.ఈ భువిలో రాజు నీవే-నా హ్రుదిలో శాంతినీవే

  కుమ్మరించుము నీదు ఆత్మను జీవితాంతము సేవచేసెదన్

It is well, with my soul....

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

I've heard this song for the first time in Koramangala Methodist Church, Bangalore.  I loved the song the moment I heard it and remembered the lines.."It is well with my soul". I googled it and only then I came to know the circumstances in which the writer was while writing it! I was moved....I was thinking about the plight of Spafford who wrote this song, he was in deep pain having lost his children and he was far away ...but still he chose to say to himself that it is well! Its so difficult to say this even in small pain that we see day in and out., but here is this man of faith who in such troubled time chose to glorify God and say to himself..It is well with my soul...

This song..since that day...has bought so much change in me, though the pain won't  end nor the tears stop rolling by but this songs gives me strength to sing... 

whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, 

It is well, it is well with my soul. 

....this song has been my companion in times of loneliness and suffering and pain!

Thank You Lord for the Hope we have in YOU! just waiting for the trumphet sound to see YOU face to face!! or till YOU call me home..

Lamentations...

I have been thinking...O yeah! as usual thinking and thinking and thinking!

..this time I've been thinking about how can I cheer up instantly when I'm going through a tough time…? Is it possible? Why do people often think its bad to be sad?...on and on goes my stream of questions and thoughts....

I feel its more worthy and better to lament than many good times...I search God at such times! Much deeper! Its the time when I long for HIS presence and actually have a heart to heart conversation with HIM!
All I wish is to lament! Lament before the LORD my creator! just want to be silent and be like this for dono how long...!
In such times, however nice a person is to me I tend to get them wrong and its better struggle within myself and talking to God in anger or in frustration rather than upsetting my dear ones just for something which no one can change or help!
Some how in a stage where I'm saying, I know! I know it all!  I'm struggling with my own thoughts...! the major problem of the mind !! and only God can help me to stop thinking the way I am thinking!!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

 

One of my favorite songs which I like....
Finding my own way by Charlotte Church:
Looking back on memories
Thinking how things used to be
Take me in, or was it simple then?
Will someone tell me, how life should be
Understand me, but let me be me
 

I'm just finding my own way, in my
Own sweet time
If I'm making a mistake at least it's mine
If I travel down a different road, to the
One that you would take
I'm just finding my own way

If you ever see me cry
Don't you worry I'll be fine
I know you only want what's best for me

It may be a long way home
But the path I take's my own
I'm not waiting for my destiny

Will someone hold me, when I'm lonely
Understand me, let me be me?

And if you found me all alone
Would you lend a helping hand?
And all I need from you my friend is
For you to understand
And if you would be my comforter
Someone to love
Then You'd help me find my way
(help me find my way)

While I was lamenting, Lamentations..yes the Book of Lamentations gave me strength and hope to carry on and see HIS Glory!

Lamentations: Chapter 3: 17-42, 55-59

17 I have been deprived of peace;
   I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 So I say, “My splendor is gone
   and all that I had hoped from the LORD.”

 19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
   the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
   and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
   and therefore I have hope:

 22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.”

 25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
   to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
   for the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke
   while he is young.

 28 Let him sit alone in silence,
   for the LORD has laid it on him.
29 Let him bury his face in the dust—
   there may yet be hope.
30 Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him,
   and let him be filled with disgrace.

 31 For no one is cast off
   by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
   so great is his unfailing love.
33 For he does not willingly bring affliction
   or grief to anyone.
34 To crush underfoot
   all prisoners in the land,
35 to deny people their rights
   before the Most High,
36 to deprive them of justice—
   would not the Lord see such things?

 37 Who can speak and have it happen
   if the Lord has not decreed it?
38 Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
   that both calamities and good things come?
39 Why should the living complain
   when punished for their sins?

 40 Let us examine our ways and test them,
   and let us return to the LORD.
41 Let us lift up our hearts and our hands
   to God in heaven, and say:
42 “We have sinned and rebelled
   and you have not forgiven.

 55 I called on your name, LORD,
   from the depths of the pit.
56 You heard my plea: “Do not close your ears
   to my cry for relief.”
57 You came near when I called you,
   and you said, “Do not fear.”

 58 You, Lord, took up my case;
   you redeemed my life.
59 LORD, you have seen the wrong done to me.
   Uphold my cause!
This was the cry unto the LORD by Jeremiah, the prophet.....which has comforted me so v much and to approach God's throne with lament and I've learnt to pin my hope and trust in HIM.

My Prayer:

Loving Lord, I believe in YOU and entrust all my ways and thoughts to YOU.
Please mend them and keep them in YOUR will, yeah the PERFECT will!
In Jesus name I pray. AMEN.

Hold My Heart....

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving/dropping rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving/dropping rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving/dropping rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

-By Tenth Avenue North

Have been listening to the songs by this band, Tenth Avenue North and in love with the way they express. Very very encouraging.