Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!

Tuesday,1st Feb 2011

Mom had become ill, she did not sleep the whole night, was getting dizzy and all stiffened cold with sweat.. and was admitted in the hospital the very next day  after naami's funeral. She had to undergo all tests to check for the problem..The Thyroid reports, the ECG reports where abnormal. All my loved ones were in pain, loss of Naami and sickness in family.....:(

Though I was praying I must confess that I did not have the faith that I ought to have.That little mustard seed faith.

Saturday, 5th Feb 2011

By God's grace Mom recovered and was discharged from Hospital and is under medication. 

While I was still in Hyderabad, Diana calls up and says that she is having fever and the swollen lymph nodes in her neck, even after 2 weeks of treatment has no improvement nor did the pain decrease but only fever was added. She said that doctors wanted her to go for an FNAC/Biopsy test, which is very painful experience of injecting a needle into her neck and collecting the sample from the infected/swollen glands.

Now, my struggle began again..I came back to Bangalore on Monday morning no change in my thoughts but just burdened and low. Though I talk so much about God's blessings in my life I had this little seed of doubt and questions ringing in my mind.."what if?!"

@2:30PM, Tuesday, 8th Feb 2011

All by God's abundant Grace, Diana could get through the tests and we were awaiting results on Wednesday evening. 

@4:30PM, Wednesday,9th Feb 2011

I called Sumeet and asked him if the Doctor had received the reports, he said Yes, its not TB. I asked.."what is it then?" He replied.."How will I know? Doctor told us to come and meet today evening".

Then I get a sms from Diana saying " The complete reports will be coming tomorrow, but we got to go and meet the doctor today". 

That's it, I went into my own imaginations and fears and was feeling so very restless and was continuously praying and asking God, what is this Lord? I have been praying and I know you won't test us beyond our endurance, but..but but..I do not want to see my loved ones have health problems..enough Lord! Please stop it here!Please....!

I got into the cab at 5:30PM and then...My mind,started taking over me totally..I was thinking all crap and unhealthy as much as I could, I gave the foothold to the devil..and it started putting thoughts and I watered it for a while and was on and on crying! 
Then I told to myself..."You are not a doctor and you don't conclude on your own. Let the  reports come." Then I started fighting back with my thoughts while in the cab...the thoughts were shooting and I was only shouting back...No No No...then I thought only way to stop these thoughts is to rebuke them in Jesus name and I just started repeating HIS name..JESUS..JESUS..JESUS..JESUS...Yes I was crying all the while..stopping my thoughts...anticipating good but doubting everything! 

James 4:7-8 

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  

Come near to God and he will come near to you.  

By the time I reached Hospital, I was feeling little okay but was unable to totally relax myself. By then, Diana and Sumeet were done consulting the ENT doctor, and he had suggested some more tests and told to consult Physician yet again. But the reports were only given before 6PM in the evening and we have to wait yet another day for the reports to show them to a Physician.

I thought it was yet another  long night and whole day to wait for the reports and get to the root of the problem.

@7am,Thursday,10th Feb 2011
God's timing it is! I switch on GOD TV in the morning and I hear a sermon on unbelief by Andrew Wommack.

Mark 9:23-24

“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” 
Pas Andrew Wommack defined unbelief is caused due to
1) Innocence, lack of knowledge.

2) False preaching.
3) Due to impact of our 5 senses.
Immediately I realized that I have a serious problem with unbelief and I fall in the 3rd category. Now all I need to do is to train my senses.  I reached office but was still thinking on dealing with my unbelief.
A simple Scenario, " Suppose you ask your dad to get something from market..you know its going to come..you never think if he forgets or doesn't get or other things. Whatever it is you don't think about it after you ask him of it. "
That is the clarity in belief! I realized more about my unbelief..How much unbelief I had..I need to put it in action to help overcome my unbelief. How easily I rely on daddy, my earthly father and why can't I be the same with the almighty father...my creator!!! why? I want to change in this..my lesson begins...and I need to implement it...

@5PM,Thursday,10th Feb 2011
Diana consulted the Physician in the evening and found that it was an infectious gland and she has already recovering from the infection and just needs to take tablets for low HB for 3 days. Thank God for His healing!

I am the God that healeth thee,
I am the Lord, your Healer.
I sent My Word and healed your disease.
I am the Lord, your Healer.

You are the God that healeth me,
You are the Lord, my Healer.
You sent Your Word and healed my disease.
You are the God, my Healer.

It is then when I came to my senseless senses that all I was. all I was worrying was all in vain!
Its very sad for what I did with my unbelief ...When it was all about HIM !!..whom I couldn't trust! I earnestly repent for what I did and Thank God for HIS Faithfulness...He is so Gracious...He is just Awesome...sorrrry Lord...I'm sorry...

I just want to sing this song.....

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

Bridge:
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

Chorus:
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath 



My prayer...
I take this lesson along with me till I breathe my last, to Honor My GOD my creator by Trusting HIM..without my senses causing an hindrance to my faith! In Jesus name I ask. Amen.

R.I.P Naaamii....

Sunday, Jan 30th 2011

ShanthaauntyNaami...as we call her...my grandmother(My Dad's moms sister and My mom's dad's sister)  was admitted in hospital and the glucometer couldn't show the sugar reading as it was high and due to breathing problem she was put on ventilators...

Monday morning at 6AM I get a call saying she has gone to stay with the Lord at 1:30am on 31st Jan...

Hurriedly I booked my tickets for monday evening...I was going to Hyd to see her for the last time while on this earth...but my mind was blank..was recollecting all the memories I had with her...

The first thing I recalled was..how she used to hold my hand and take me to school and once when  I was in first class I had forgot my bag in bus stop and realized it only when the next stop had come..she had gone all the way back and bought my bag, I do not remember her scolding me or shouting at me. 

When I was in class 2A, she used to sit right beside my classroom as she was a class teacher for 2B section and always used to check if i was studying well and understanding the lessons. She and Satyaunty naami always made it a point that we three sisters take part in the Christmas play, Literary Union sessions, debates, poem recitals..etc..

Infact, Shanthaaunty naami was so very keen about it that even when I used to go for rehearsals, she used to come and check. Even when I was performing while in middle school, though she taught for primary then, she used to come stand back stage and see me perform on stage and then feel happy :)  I still have a pic on stage where she is back stage seeing me...will post it once I scan it..I loved the attention I used to get from my grandmas. They are the reason for me not to have stage fear now...

Lunch hours were the most memorable and caring times, though I haven't realized it then but now  I know....

we used to have our carpet, plates, glasses all set and ready...all we had to do was when the lunch bell rings, take our boxes, removes our shoes, wash our hands and sit on the carpet, eat in our plates and show them when finished and then only allowed to close our lunch boxes. 

I remember we doing mischeif, throwing rice around the plate, hiding left out rice in our hands and showing them as if we finished. Oho! I so much miss that love and care!

I also remember those evenings, I used to sit on the stairs in naami's house waiting for dad to come and pick me. Until then naami used to tell me to finish my homework!  

Then later years when we took on profession and work, whenever I used to talk to her on phone, she used to ask in amazement, "nuvey ondukuntunava? "  and I used to reply "eydho ondukuntuna naami nee papu antha manchiga kakuna...!"
 I can never forget the taste and aroma of the daal naami used to prepare! its simple yummy! never did I taste such tasty daal and I'm sure I would never again..that fragrance and taste is still fresh for me..

 She was always eager to see me and always used to greet with kiss and hug....Oh she was sucha blessing to me! Thank You naami...Thank You so much! I wish I had said one little Thank You when you were with us...Ouch! I really really wish for another hug and a kiss and tell you a BIG thanks for everything!

Any function you attend, you see this beautiful and lovely young at heart couple together...what I call  the "annyonyna dampathulu"..Shanthaaunty naami and Jaiseelan Thata...Love the way they were together..Pray that God gives comfort and strength to Thata to carry on...

And a must mention, her life was a testimony, and so was her death...Yes! Though she left us all and went on God's call, its a Powerful testimony she left behind...

This is what she had written in her BIBLE...Yes! God was gracious towards her and granted her life, life more than what she had asked for! Praise God for her Life!

Thank You Lord for the Hope we have to see all our loved ones and thanks for relief we have that they are in a more safer place than we are!

I would love to proudly state that all my naamis(grandma's-Shantha aunty and Satya aunty and Suguna aunty naami) are indeed a blessing for us 3 sisters, each in their own style...! 

Have a nice time up there with my naami, Rathnamma(Dad's mom).....Celebrate your sisters re-union until we meet again!

R.I.P all you sisters!
Indeed our grandparents are a lot more than just a Blessing to us! Thank God for them!